With one in five marriages ending up in divorce in South Africa and the increasing number of children born out of casual relationships, today’s family is often blended and bi-located. Thus, it consists of two adults who live in separate homes with children who should ideally spend equal or partial time in each home. While this concept is easily understood among adults, for children, family is synonymous with parents, even when those parents are no longer in a romantic relationship and the same household.
After taking time to heal from a broken relationship or divorce, adults often have a desire to date and possibly marry or remarry in the case of the divorced. Children, however, may hold onto the fantasy of their parents getting back together for years after the separation. This differing agenda between parent and child may cause tension when mom or dad has a romantic partner. It is therefore important to consider several factors when making the decision to introduce a new significant other to your children.
As a parent, you should consider initiating conversations around the following:
The divorce/break-up is not your fault.
Mom and dad will not be getting back together/won’t live together anymore, but we both love you.
You are special to mom and dad, we will take care of you, no matter what.
During these conversations, it is important to listen to your child(ren) as well as to watch out for their body language. While some children may say, they know and understand, there is a possibility that they may secretly believe that they were the cause of the break-up/divorce. Psychologists believe that this behaviour is because children are self-referencing, thus, they believe themselves to be the cause of everything.
Remember that children don’t need to know details why you broke up. You should shield children from explanations like, your dad/mom is a lazy or crazy and anything that reflects the other parent in a negative light. Depending on their age, simplifying your why to something as simple as: “Mom and Dad don’t get along and we will each be happier in separate homes,” is good enough. They could ask more questions, the point here is that you need to make effort to never speak ill of the other parent.
Introducing your new romantic partner
A lot of single parents ask: “When should I introduce my kids to the person I’m dating?”
Peter Sheras, a Clinical Psychologist, advises parents to first examine the quality of the dating relationship before worrying about how or when to introduce the kids. “The commitment is the most important piece because when there’s a commitment that becomes obvious to the kids,” he says.
Being true to yourself and your partner is key. Not every dating relationship reaches the level of commitment that necessitates including the kids. You may very well be enjoying a casual, lively social life with a person who is fun to be around, but with whom you simply don’t imagine a future. Once you introduce children, you leave them vulnerable to becoming attached. Doing so before you’ve even determined for yourself that this will be a long-term relationship is unfair to the kids. If the relationship doesn’t last, parting ways could potentially be as painful for them as your initial separation or divorce from your ex.
The introduction of a new partner should happen within a stage of the relationship that is neither too soon after meeting, nor too close to a more formal step such as living together. There are many variables to consider in terms of timing. Being a conscientious parent means waiting until you know your partner well enough to warrant including them in your child(ren)’s life.
First and foremost, look at what is happening in your children’s lives. Most kids are said to be emotionally resilient enough to adapt to one major change per year. A major change may be, parents’ separation, moving cities/towns, starting or changing school, a frightening medical event to the child or immediate family, a major loss, a close friend moving away, or the death of a loved one.
In addition, considering the financial reality of divorce means that the parent with low financial power might need to adapt their lives to more affordable options. This also means that children also have to learn to adapt to this new change and way of life. Furthermore, if a low-income parent has primary custody and the children are school-aged, this means the children are enduring a handful of massive changes at once: separation of parents, a move to a new home, a transition to a new school and a new lifestyle among other changes. If your children are experiencing all of this, it is advisable not to consider introducing a romantic partner for well over a year, so that your children can adjust to the many unwanted changes that have already taken place. This of course does not imply that if you are ready to date you should not, you can, however, you should ideally not introduce your new partner to children within this time frame.
If you are the sole parent (your former partner is not involved or is minimally involved) wait at least a year and even then, you should proceed with extreme caution. This is because children with only one parent crave a second parent and may emotionally attach to mom’s or dad’s partner immediately. While this can be heart-warming for you and your partner, it means trouble if or when a break-up happens. If your child has a bond with your partner and you break up, your child re-experiences the loss of a parent figure.
The ideal scenario is to let your child(ren) know you are dating someone, invite them to ask you questions about the person you are dating, and ask them when they would like to meet your partner. This gives your child fair warning, as well as a sense of personal power and control over a situation that they did not choose and may not want.
Before meeting your children, talk with your partner about the role they imagine having in your child(ren)’s life. The most appropriate role for your partner to have in your child(ren)’s lives is that of a loving figure. In this role, your partner can talk with, play with, and get to know your child(ren).
You may want to be wary of allowing your partner to discipline your child(ren), as this can have a negative impact on the mental health of your child(ren), as well as the intimacy of your relationship. At least in the early stages, this person’s role is to connect with your kid(s). Even if the other parent is absent or not exemplifying model behaviour, avoid exporting parental responsibilities onto someone new to the family.
When children are introduced to your partner, focus on making them as comfortable as possible. Refrain from romantic physical contact with your partner at least for the first few times of them meeting your child(ren).
As you navigate this stage, be prepared that there may be competition between your partner and your child(ren) especially when you are all together, since they are each accustomed to holding your attention exclusively. Jealousy is a normal reaction when the family constellation changes. For instance, when a child is born, an older sibling often feels jealous and resentful. Issues of competition and jealousy can be helped by spending individual time with your children without your partner so that they feel important.
Occasionally, children may act out from this envy and make threats. Seek professional help if your child makes suicidal statements, as these are indicators of problems adjusting to your new situation.
Protecting your adult connection with your partner is important for your emotional well-being and the relationship. It’s beneficial for all parties to establish time spent together in the absence of your child(ren). However, making your children’s needs your overall priority will help them grow up healthy and emotionally resilient. If you are dating someone who doesn’t have children, that person may not be able to understand this. If you have access to a qualified therapist, they may be able to help you address this gap.
