For children who are raised by a single parent, the question of why their other parent is not in their life is inevitable. While this may be painful to the parent raising the child, it is important to be prepared to answer this question and others around the subject. In your preparation as a parent, work out what you will say, how you will say it and when you will say it.
While you might want to spare some details, it is important to answer every question your child asks so that your child can feel secure and loved. Learn and research ways in which you will explain to your child why their other parent is absent in their life.
For many children, they start asking about the absent parent once they start school or start developing socials skills where they notice other family structures and what they hear their peers speak of their families. Naturally, children with absent parents will begin to have questions and may soon approach their single parents about the other parent.
Possible questions:
Questions typically asked, which you should prepare for include:
Why do other children have two parents and I don’t?
Who is my dad/mom?
Why do they not live with us?
Are they coming back?
Can I meet them?
Do they love me?
Do they miss me?
Who is my dad?
Why doesn’t he live with us?
Is he coming back?
When can I meet him?
Does he miss me?
While these questions may trigger events of your past that you do not wish to revisit, it is important to indulge your curious child. Also be prepared that no matter how prepared, no explanation will solve your child’s worldview at the time of their processing this discovery. This is because children are at a stage where they are trying to process the information you are giving them and try to make sense out of it. They will also possibly ask the same questions several times over a certain period. The best thing you could do at this stage is to be approachable and assure your child that they are welcome to ask anything at any time and that you will not get upset because you love them and want to help them understand anything they would like to know. During this period of curiosity, you will need to exercise thoughtfulness, compassion, and patience, and remember to always assure them of your love each time these questions come up.
In their development behaviour, children naturally think that the world revolves around them, considering this, they may think that the absence of one parent is their fault or that the other parent probably finds them unlovable. Therefore, it is important to remind them of your love and assure them that they are not to blame for the absence. You may consider the following approach:
Tell the truth but avoid oversharing
The first thing to take into consideration is the age of the child you are addressing. Taking this into consideration, decide what is appropriate to share and how you will package the information in a way that is understandable to the child. Your highest priority should be to protect your child from heartbreak, therefore find a good balance between telling the truth without oversharing. While it is not a good idea to lie, it is okay for you to leave the hurtful details out. Your answer should be simple and keeps your feelings about the other parent aside.
It is also important that you stick to the facts but also sensitively share them. Also, never say something to make the child resent the other parent or even say something to discourage them from asking about them again, this includes lying that the other parent is dead when they are not. The truth will eventually come out when the child is older, and there’s a high possibility that your child may resent you for lying about their death.
Their feelings are valid
As a single parent, you do your best to provide, care and love your child. However, do not expect that they should not feel a void for the absent parent. It is okay if they desire to have two parents, it is okay if they feel sad that the other parent is not there to love them. This does not suggest in any way that you are not enough or are not doing enough. It is natural for children and even adults to feel this way. As a parent, commit yourself to listen to a child expressing their feelings, do not try to fix or correct what they say they feel, instead, validate them. An easier way to validate these feelings is to mirror their feelings, for example:
I know how you feel, I feel the same way too or I know it’s hard. Sometimes I feel like that too. It is also advisable to hug them at this point or show affection by way of holding their hands, rubbing their back, and looking into their eyes.
Coping tools
While you should embrace your child’s curiosity and validate their feelings about the situation, it is equally important to encourage them to accept their situation and not feel like they are missing out in life. Remind them of your love and that of other people in your lives. You can also help with identifying father/mother figures in the child’s life. These can be your grandfathers or grandmothers uncles and aunts, neighbours, and close family friends among others. Some of these people may even be willing to play fatherly or motherly roles to the child. Other helpful coping tools include mediation, prayer, and journaling. If you have access to professional help, it is also a good idea to get the child to seek counseling.
In a nutshell, every conversation about the absent parent should be covered in love. While you are unable to change that the other parent is absent, you can continue to show and remind your child that you are there, will always be there for them, and that your love is unconditional.
Was this article helpful? Share it on your social media, someone might just need it.
